


Gave You My Heart

by Iron_Eirlyssa (Eirlyssa)



Series: Eirlyssa's 2019 Bingo Fills [3]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: A bit too much of one, Canon-Typical Violence, Civil War Team Iron Man, Critical of Team Cap, Different Interpretation of Hanahaki Disease, Dissociation, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Tags May Change, Tony Stark Bingo 2019, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 10:36:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18281252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eirlyssa/pseuds/Iron_Eirlyssa
Summary: The five times Tony developed Hanahaki disease, because as much as he wanted to, he just couldn't stop loving the wrong people.(When the Rogues come back, they're in for a surprise.)





	1. Running In Circles

**Author's Note:**

> A fill for my Tony Stark Bingo square R5 - Writing format: five things.
> 
> A slightly different interpretation of [Hanahaki disease](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Hanahaki_Disease). It’s not unrequited love in this story, but about loving someone and then having them betray you, after which you cough up flowers that say something about what they meant to you.
> 
> I went with the flower interpretations from [Gardenerdy.com](https://gardenerdy.com/list-of-flowers-their-meanings), but I freely admit there are a lot of different sites with similar, but sometimes also entirely different meanings, so I am also aware that these flower meanings might not be the same everywhere or to everyone. If I have made any terrible mistakes, I apologize.

Tony knew about Hanahaki disease, of course. As a child, the idea fascinated him - loving someone (the wrong person) so deeply that their betrayal left flowers growing in your lungs, signifying what they meant to you. It didn’t take him long to learn that it was something for dreamers, for the ones who loved too intently. ("For _fools_ ," Howard scoffed. To him, it wasn’t even so much about loving someone that would betray you that much - Tony knew it was about loving _anyone_ that much.)

He read up on it, wanting to know as much as possible, and as he grew older and understood what he read, he mostly thought it was terribly sad. To love someone so much, and to then have to drink the tonic that would kill the roots of the flower that their betrayal gave life to in order to remove that feeling from your very chest if you wanted to survive... No, it sounded romantic, but Tony knew he never wanted to feel a pain that severe. He couldn’t help but wonder, though, what hurt more - the flowers growing in the lungs, or the betrayal that caused them.

Most people probably didn’t think he could experience something like that. They thought he was glib, superficial, unfeeling, a playboy, thought that feelings couldn't touch someone like him deeply enough for something as severe as Hanahaki disease.

They were wrong.

The first time he coughed up petals was after Baintronics showed up with a weapons design that looked suspiciously like the one he'd shown Sunset, one romantic evening where she was one of the first people that showed an interest in what he did. Most others thought he was too young to talk to, but she genuinely seemed to like him. Seemed to, because it soon became clear that she was not interested in him at all, only in what he could give her. The purple lilac petals tasted bitter on his tongue, and his father scoffed at him when he found out about Tony needing the tonic to get rid of them.

The second time, he hadn’t told Rhodey (or anyone else) about. A misunderstanding that seemed silly afterwards had been all it taken for him to start coughing up alstroemeria petals. There hadn't been many, though. Not wanting to lose Rhodey, lose the friendship he felt for the older student, he hadn't taken the tonic. When it had all turned out to be a misunderstanding, turned out Rhodey wasn't using him for money, he was infinitely grateful that he hadn't.

The third time, he grew two flowers at the same time, and it was the worst pain Tony had ever felt. Dahlia petals mixed with a colorful variation of chrysanthemum ones on his tongue when he found Rumiko in bed with Ty, who just grinned at Tony as he continued thrusting. He thought what they had was real - his girlfriend, his best friend. He _loved_ them. But it wasn’t real, and he nearly died because both flowers were growing and mixing together and Tony nearly choked on the betrayal. He liked to tell himself that he stopped letting people in as easily afterwards, and it was true to some extent, but he still loved deeply and truly (and perhaps too naively).

The fourth time, he cried with grief when Obie fell, white heather petals heavy on his tongue ever since his godfather ripped the reactor straight out of Tony's chest. It was different, but no less painful for it, and Tony wanted to think he was done with loving people that would end up betraying him. He wanted to stop hurting like this, used and betrayed and nearly dying every time.

Pepper wasn't the fifth. She could've been, because Tony let her in and loved her more intently than he loved either Sunset or Rumiko, more devotedly than he loved Ty. But when things ended between them, they ended respectfully. It was painful still, of course, but it didn’t kill him the way the betrayals had.

The fifth time actually took very long to come to a head. It had started, painfully enough, when Bruce had told him that he wasn't that kind of doctor, wasn't a therapist, didn’t have the temperament. All Tony had been looking for was a friend, but the realization that Bruce apparently didn't think of him the same way had gladiolus growing in his lungs. It was light, though, and survivable. And much like Rhodey, back then, he hadn't wanted to lose the friendship they _were_ at least starting to build. (Not to mention he couldn’t help but think that Bruce hadn’t meant it as a betrayal, no matter how much it felt like one to Tony.)

Ultron worsened things in a way. While it felt like Tony and Bruce were finally building a mutual friendship, the attacks by first Thor and then Steve worsened the Hanahaki disease. Besides gladiolus, magnolias and daffodils were now starting to grow. Not heavily, not severely enough to kill him, but he did have to put in some effort to hide the effects from Pepper and Rhodey.

Back then, he'd still wanted the Avengers to work out, still hoped that one day they might be the family he’d been hoping to gain. So he'd let things be, unable to reach Bruce and aware that trying to discuss things with Thor and Steve was unlikely to lead to a resolution that would heal the Hanahaki disease. Not when Ultron was still so fresh in everyone’s mind.

So he went on, coughing up variations of petals occasionally and doing his best to hide the effects. After all, it was survivable.

Until the Civil War.

Steve's flowers were the first to get worse, and there were a few moments Tony feared someone would catch him coughing up daffodil petals. But he wasn't ready to give up, wasn't ready to take the tonic that would likely end up breaking the Avengers apart.

As it turned out, it was already too late for that. Natasha's red snapdragon petals followed soon after, as he listened to her telling him he was incapable of letting go of his ego, telling him to watch his back as he waited desperately to hear if Rhodey would ever be able to walk again. And when he visited the Raft, Clint's red hyacinth joined the kaleidoscope of petals he had trouble keeping inside. Between them and Steve, the purple gladiolus and magnolia petals were nearly unnoticeable.

Siberia was the end of it all. Except Steve, his relationships with any one of the others might have been salvageable. But he was choking, yellow daffodil petals drowning out all of the others, every cough sending agony coursing through him as it displaced his already broken ribs. By the time Vision found him, trying to breathe through the cold and the blood and the petals, he was surrounded by enough daffodils that he could create a forest out of them, and the yellow was bright in the grey room. It was only occasionally interspersed by the red and incidental purple petals from the others and the blood that signified it wasn't the only thing killing him.

In the end, he nearly didn't survive. With his ribcage broken as it was, there was no way he'd be able to cough up even one of the plants, let alone all five he had grown for the original team of Avengers. But even his desperation for the friendship he and Bruce had been developing couldn’t change the fact that the Hanahaki disease, exacerbated by his injuries, was killing him. So he tried not to cry as he took the tonic that would sever the roots indiscriminately, hoping and trusting that doctor Wu would be able to remove the Hanahaki disease as well as repair at least some of the damage done to him.

It felt like he was fated to be betrayed by those he loved, even though he knew rationally that it wasn’t true. The flowers he grew for Rhodey were only ever the result of a misunderstanding, no matter what they went through together. Pepper, amazing lovely Pepper, cared for him enough not to betray him even though their relationship wasn't working out. Happy had stood by his side for years. JARVIS, FRIDAY, the 'bots... They had never betrayed him. As rocky as any of their relationships were sometimes, there was never a betrayal large enough to make him grow flowers (even though he knew he loved all of them enough that any flowers he grew for them might kill him instantly).

Then, they were out. Most of the table was taken up by Steve’s daffodils. A smaller pile had the red flowers of Natasha’s snapdragon and Clint’s red hyacinth. Thor’s magnolia made up only a fraction of it all. Finally, off to the side, there were a miserable two gladioli, tiny and overshadowed completely by all of the others. Tony knew he would have grieved his friendship with Bruce, would have grieved everything that he had once thought the Avengers might be, except…

He was empty.

With his feelings for all of them gone, even with a ribcage that had been so fractured that doctor Wu warned him that he’d be recovering for months still, it finally felt like he could _breathe_ again. More importantly, he felt like he could _think_ again.

And Tony might have been an expert at caring too much about people that would end up not reciprocating, that would end up betraying him, but that wasn’t something he’d ever have to worry about again with the Avengers. All of his feelings had been cut out, positive and negative both, never to return. It gave him some much-needed clarity that felt like it might have been missing since all the way back in New York.

For the first time in years, he felt like he knew where he was going.

It felt like freedom.


	2. Know I've Made It Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I updated this, but here's a new chapter! I decided to split up the second part, so expect chapter 3 somewhere in the next week :) I hope you enjoy the new chapter!
> 
> This fills square K4 - Tension for my Tony Stark Bingo.

The first ones to return were Bruce and Thor. They arrived with an international terrorist, a spaceship filled with Asgardian refugees, and a warning of Thanos, also known as the 'Mad Titan', who was after all of the Infinity Stones.

Perhaps, before the tonic had removed his feelings for them, he would have felt hurt that they arrived with no apologies, no prior notice, and with only requests to make of him. Now, free of those attachments and able to look at it from a neutral point of view, Tony knew it was not a whole lot different than it had been before. He wasn't even sure either of them realized what had happened, at least not at first.

No matter his lack of feelings for the two of them, Tony couldn't help but feel sorry for the refugees, exhausted and utterly adrift. He could even feel empathy for Loki, who had apparently been pressured into serving Thanos during that first invasion.

It was strange, looking at the three of them and feeling more kindness towards the one who had thrown him out of a window than towards those who had once been his teammates.

He put some significant effort into having the UN listen to the Asgardians, both in their request for sanctuary and in their warning about Thanos, and he did make sure that they had shelter for as long as it took for the UN to make a decision on what to do with them, but he made it very clear that it was not a situation he was willing to sustain, both for their sakes and his own. Thor, helped ideally by the more politically savvy Loki and Heimdall, could arrange whatever they wanted, but Tony did make sure he was no more than a _temporary_ shelter for all of them.

That was probably the first moment that Bruce and Thor had noticed that something was wrong. Tony could feel Loki's eyes on him as well, though he refused to respond, and he knew the distance had not gone unnoticed.

While Rogers and the others had been gone, Tony had made some great steps with the Accords. It had been twice as difficult as it could've been, considering the actions of the others during their 'Civil War' had made people even _more_ wary of superheroes, and Rhodey had been the one to push for regular psychological evaluations of those working under the Accords - Tony had wryly remarked that he'd just wanted an excuse to send Tony to a psychologist, which his best friend hadn't even had the decency to deny. Overall, while there were still a few things that might be able to use more work, those tended to be smaller details that would be able to be fleshed out whenever a situation requiring any such regulations were to actually happen.

In spite of all of their efforts - or, more likely, _because of_ those efforts - he was exceedingly proud of what they had managed. It wasn’t something he’d like to see ruined, which was always a risk when it came to the Avengers.

But Bruce had common sense aplenty, and either he and Loki had talked to Thor or the guy had decided by himself that the Accords weren’t so bad. As oblivious as he could come across, he _was_ a crown Prince for an entire race. Well, King now, actually. So all of them signed the document without too much of a fuss, with Bruce negotiating that the Hulk would only be called in for emergencies and Loki managing a probationary position that would also help him work off his debt to Earth.

The news about Thanos was actually the worst part. Not only was it Tony’s fears come to life, with the invasion in New York having only been the start of things, but it also meant that the rest of the planet started panicking. And it didn’t take a genius to be able to predict what would happen next.

So no, Tony wasn’t surprised that the rogues were called back in. Hanahaki disease had been a bit of a blessing in that it didn’t even hurt, didn’t make him panic, didn’t drag him right back down to where he’d been before nearly dying in Siberia.

Instead, he approached it all rationally. He wouldn’t object to them returning, since more hands on deck could only help against the threat that was coming. But he _did_ make sure to clarify his boundaries before they did so, discussing them with the Accords Council that would be spearheading the effort and also taking charge of the rogues. He wished them luck.

He hadn’t expected it to go over well, and he wasn’t surprised either when, not two days after returning, he received a request for a talk with them.

“You know you don’t have to, right?” Rhodey asked, supportive as ever.

Grimacing a little, Tony fiddled with his phone. The message was still on the screen. “I don’t _have to_ , no. But we’re all facing the same threat, and we’re going to have to work together for that.”

“You’re saying you’d have problems working with them professionally?” The incredulous tone in Rhodey’s voice made it clear what he thought of that.

“We both know I’ve worked with worse.” He shrugged. Ross might have been the most recent example, but owning a company, especially one that had been in weapons manufacturing, meant that he had a lot of experience dealing with people that he either did not like or even outright despised. “I know I could. But I don’t have as much faith in them, especially if they haven’t had a chance to get things off their chest.”

Realistically, leaving it all unspoken was likely to end up with an obvious rift between them. A rift that might negatively impact a battle that could determine the future of the entire Universe, if what the Asgardians had said was true.

Even now, the tension was obvious, no matter the fact that they weren’t even _near_ one another.

As much as he didn’t like it, Rhodey couldn’t argue with that. Being a military man, he was very capable of working professionally with people he did not like personally. But the rogues hadn’t demonstrated any such skill, and it really wasn’t worth the risk in order to avoid a conversation that Tony didn’t feel like having.

“Just… be smart about it?”

“I’m planning on setting up a teleconference.” It meant no chances of things getting physical, in any of the ways Tony worried about. Rogers had a tendency of using his size to intimidate, Barton was only marginally stable and might end up attacking, and Tony didn’t trust Maximoff to keep her powers to herself. There would likely still be insults, he had no illusions about that, but at least he wouldn’t be in any physical danger. “Would you like to be there?”

“I would, actually. Can’t wait to see what they have to say.” Rhodey was clearly unamused, and Tony understood.

Nodding, he started tapping out a message, offering up a few moments he’d be available for a conference call. Once he’d done that, he forwarded the message to Rhodey and Vision, the latter message with an explanation of the situation and an invitation to join if the android so desired. They all had some things they should probably talk about before moving on, after all.

Vision joined him a few days later, just as he was tapping out another short message that basically amounted to ‘a conference call is the only way I’m going to be speaking to you’.

“I wished to thank you for inviting me to join your conversation with the others,” he spoke up, nodding.

“Sure thing.” Tony shrugged, sending his message and then putting down the phone to give Vision his full attention. “I mean, it’s not an obligation, but considering the subject and all…”

“Indeed,” the android agreed, looking thoughtful more than anything.

Despite the way Vision’s mind worked, Tony had found that it sometimes took him time to figure out exactly what to say, especially when it came to things to do with emotions and opinions. So he waited for the android to find the words, trying his best to stay still and attentive despite the way his own brain tried to go off on several tangents.

“I find myself… conflicted,” Vision confessed eventually. He motioned towards the chair, and Tony nodded. Sitting down, the android took a deep, unnecessary breath. “Part of me has missed them. Before everything happened, we spent a great amount of time together, and I had counted them as my… friends. More, perhaps, in the case of… Wanda. And yet, another part of me is still… displeased, with them.”

“I mean, I’m assuming you’ve discussed this with the therapist?” When Vision confirmed it, Tony nodded. “It’s not like either feeling is wrong, necessarily. You all _were_ close, and things _did_ go very wrong, in a lot of ways. And it’s not like they’re mutually exclusive, either - you can still be hurt by those you care about.”

A wry look crossed Vision’s face. “I cannot help but be somewhat… envious. I cannot grow flowers the way you can, and…”

“And it leaves you still caring for the people that have hurt you,” Tony finished when it became clear that Vision couldn’t. He wondered, if it had been possible, which flowers would have grown in the android’s chest, and for whom. Maximoff, obviously, because it had been nearly impossible not to notice the way the two had grown close. Would there have been any flowers for the others? “Which means there’s a lot of conflicting feelings.”

Vision nodded. “It is not something that would stop me from working with them, professionally, but…” He grimaced just a little, looking off to the side. “I have found that it bothers me on a personal level.”

“Hopefully, this talk will give you a chance to resolve some of that, then.”

For the sake of both Rhodey and Vision, Tony honestly hoped so. Hell, to some extent he even hoped so for the sake of the rogues, though that mostly involved the fact that he wondered how well they would be able to work together if things were _not_ resolved, what with the tension between all of them. But he was glad no one asked him how much of a chance he thought it would have, because to be honest, he wasn’t optimistic.

Before the talk could even take place, however, Bruce approached him.

The Asgardians had found a place where they could try to rebuild their society, a village in Norway that had been destroyed by Hydra a long time ago, and they would be heading there as soon as the preparatory work was done to make it livable enough for them to be able to settle. Bruce had elected to go with them, and Tony suspected that his easy acceptance (as opposed to their previous acquaintance, where he had constantly been asking Bruce to stay, to _not leave_ ) had gotten Bruce curious enough that he would actually come out and _ask_ , rather than silently wondering.

“I’ve been wanting to ask you something,” he started, hesitant as ever. “Do you have a moment?” At least he asked.

Looking at his watch, Tony shrugged. “I’ve got a meeting in twenty, so if it won’t take too long?”

The look in Bruce’s eyes sharpened, analyzing, even as he nodded. “Not a problem, just a quick question.” Tony led the way into a semi-secluded meeting room where they shouldn’t be disturbed for the next quarter of an hour, at least, Bruce following silently.

“So, what is it?” he asked, not willing to beat around the bush. Before, he’d likely have asked something like ‘what can I help you with’, but… that had been before. Before all of the messes and the betrayals and the flowers choking him from the inside. He knew that Bruce picked up on it, and Tony was rather impressed by the way he appeared more wary and more determined at the same time.

“I’ve been wondering… I mean, you seem more… _distant_ than you were before. And I just… Ehm…”

Not for the first time, Tony actually considered himself _lucky_. Because before, he would have felt sad. He would have felt hurt that the first time Bruce talked to him wasn’t to say he was sorry for leaving without a word, wasn’t to say he regretted leaving Tony alone to deal with the fallout of Ultron. Instead, he just wanted to know why Tony had stopped bending over backwards for him.

It would be good practice for his talk with the rest of the rogues, though, and at least it should be somewhat easier with Bruce. “I understand why you left,” he started, because he knew that was what the other man was most worried about. And indeed, Bruce’s relief was obvious as he smiled hesitantly at Tony. A smile Tony knew wouldn’t last long, not when he heard the rest of it. “Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt when you left without a word.”

“I had to,” Bruce argued immediately. “First Ultron, and then Johannesburg, and then what happened with Natasha…”

“Like I said, I understand,” Tony shrugged, before he could continue. He wasn’t sure he’d been expecting an apology, not when Bruce was so certain he’d been right, but at least he wasn’t surprised when there was none. Before, he might have wanted to know more about whatever had happened with Natasha. Now, he simply moved on from it. “Problem was, I grew flowers. Gladiolus, actually.”

Horror appeared on Bruce’s face. It was clear he hadn’t been expecting that, though Tony couldn’t be sure which part of it - him caring enough, or him feeling betrayed by Bruce’s leaving.

“The initial idea was to deal with it. I understood your leaving, so the disease wasn’t so bad, even when your flowers weren’t the only ones. And I imagined that, next time we saw one another, we could talk about things and hopefully get rid of them that way. Except then the… break in the Avengers happened.” Tony disliked calling it ‘Civil War’, all things considered, and tended not to talk much about the subject in general. He knew Bruce had been informed about what had happened, though, so he didn’t elaborate further. “I had to drink the tonic. It got too bad, and I was dying for… several reasons, really, but the Hanahaki disease was one of them. And it removed all of the flowers - the tonic doesn’t discriminate on severity, after all.”

“Oh.” Bruce sounded like he’d been punched in the chest. He looked lost, somehow, and his eyes were averted to the ground.

Had Tony been feeling vengeful, he would have pointed out how it could have been resolved if Bruce had stayed. He would have mentioned that it had actually started earlier, when Bruce had shrugged him off when he’d finally opened up. He would have reminded Bruce that he’d never be able to feel anything but indifference towards him again.

Hanahaki disease had taken care of that, however. All he felt now was an analytical detachment that left him able to observe, but not empathize.

So he waited, glancing at his watch to make sure he wasn’t late yet. Rhodey might not kill him for it, but he’d get the sort of older brother look that he’d perfected way back at MIT, and that was _way worse_.

Bruce caught the glance, a pained grimace crossing his face. “That’s… I had not realized that,” he finally told Tony. The regret was obvious in his voice, though it was clear he wasn’t sorry. He might not like how it had all turned out, but he was still determined his choices were right.

At least it was _definitely_ good practice for talking to the rogues.

“So… all of us?”

There was no doubt that he’d noticed Tony’s reaction to Thor already, and by now everyone had heard that Tony was unwilling to house the rogues for free again. So Tony just shrugged. “All of the original Avengers,” he told Bruce calmly. Then, he actually smiled, and he could see the surprise on Bruce’s face. “Except the Hulk, funnily enough. Never grew a flower for him.”

The scientist smiled, somewhat sadly. “He’s happy to know that.”

It must be somewhat strange for him to see Tony grin at him and know it wasn’t meant for him, not really - all he’d managed for Bruce himself was an obvious press smile that fell rather flat. “Green bean’s always welcome here,” he offered freely, glad to know that the Hulk took his words the way they had been meant. Not that he didn’t care enough to grow a flower, but that he didn’t feel betrayed by him.

“He just might take you up on that.” Bruce seemed sad, but resigned.

Tony just hoped the rogues would take the news with the same amount of grace, though he wasn’t really feeling too hopeful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter - the confrontation with the rogue Avengers. Feel free to come check out my [Tumblr](https://eirlyssa.tumblr.com/) in the meantime if you want :)


	3. Open Up My Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Tony experiences the less fortunate aftereffects of Hanahaki disease when having a talk with the rogues.
> 
> Fills square R1 - [picture of Iron Man and Captain America fighting] for my Tony Stark Bingo!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this.

The conference room had been carefully set up beforehand, to prevent any last-minute surprises. It exuded business and had been used for all kinds of calls, though mostly the UN lately.

For a few days at least, Tony had wondered how they should be sitting. With the three of them, there was no avoiding anyone being in the middle, taking up the center of attention, and the last thing he wanted was to give an illusion of separation between himself, Rhodey and Vision.

In the end, he’d asked both of them about it, and neither of them really wanted to be in the middle. They both had their individual issues, of course, but they also knew they weren’t the focus for more than perhaps one or two of the rogues. It had been Tony they’d requested the talk with, after all, and so it only made sense.

Rhodey had offered, after, likely realizing how it would also focus most of the frustration towards Tony, but he’d just shook his head. “That’s likely how it’s going to play out regardless, and hopefully it’ll at least help the two of you get some closure.”

“And what about you?”

He’d shrugged. “I’m not really expecting anything - all I want is for them to get their frustration out enough to be able to work with me.”

At that, Rhodey had looked sad but understanding, and now he was sitting to Tony’s right, turned towards the screen and his legs and braces very carefully not hidden from the camera. Vision, taking after Tony in a certain way, was dressed formally in an armor Tony had worn for far longer than the Iron Man suit.

Right on time, the screen flickered, clearing up to show the rogues sitting in a conference room that was both larger, to fit everyone, and more economically decorated.

It was a bit of a shock, Tony had to admit, to see Bucky Barnes sitting next to Rogers, looking obviously uncomfortable. It wasn’t wholly unexpected, though. Romanoff was on his other side, followed by Barton and Maximoff. Beside Barnes, Tony recognized Wilson and Lang, the ant guy.

“Good afternoon, everyone,” he greeted, his voice carefully neutral.

“Hey Tony,” Rogers greeted, smiling somewhat hesitantly. “And Rhodey and Vision, of course - it’s nice to see you. I just… Is it really necessary to do this over video? It just seems very… impersonal, and it might be better to see one another face-to-face.”

“We’re seeing one another just fine, we’re hearing one another just fine,” Tony calmly told him. “The only thing we can’t do is touch one another, and I don’t think that should be necessary.”

“What, afraid one of us will attack you?” Barton sneered, rolling his eyes.

Considering he didn’t see that kind of conversation going anywhere productive anytime soon, he ignored the comment. Instead, he smiled the bland smile that he used most often for the press he didn’t pretend to like. “So what did you want to talk about?”

Just as it looked like Barton was going to say something again, something angrier, Romanoff put her hand on his arm and shook her head subtly.

Instead, it was Rogers who took over the conversation once more, looking very earnest. “It just seemed like a good idea to have a talk, after everything that happened. Smooth things over, make sure we can still work together, you know? Because this… this keeping us away isn’t helping anyone. Which is why this would _really_ be better in person.”

He’d repeated often enough that this talk would only be happening by conference call, so Tony moved right past that comment. “I have no problem working with you,” he said, surprised at how honest it was. Even Barnes, now that he looked at the other man, didn’t instantly make him emotional, and he’d worked past most of his issues with Maximoff before their split - she might not like him, and he might not trust her, but he _did_ believe she’d put the fate of the Earth before her personal grievances, since she had before.

“Yeah, well, we might have a problem working with _you_.” It was Barton again, though at least Lang and Maximoff looked like they agreed with him. Rogers seemed uncomfortable, but Tony knew him well enough to tell that he didn’t _disagree_.

Hanahaki had been a blessing in disguise, really. Because most of what Tony felt when looking at them, looking at the way they glared at him or watched him assessingly, was _tired_.

The exhaustion almost made it tempting to just give in and give them what they wanted. It wasn’t hard to see that they wanted him to apologize, to tell them he’d been the one completely in the wrong, to _grovel_. And it might help in the short term - they’d feel appeased enough and act like nothing was wrong in the world anymore and they were the vindicated heroes.

But that was exactly the problem, wasn’t it? Because once he started on that path again, started being their doormat (even if because of exhaustion instead of caring about them), everything else would also follow that exact same path, until they were right back to another split. And they couldn’t afford that. Not again.

So, rather than doing what he knew Rhodey feared he would, Tony shrugged. “So what did you need to talk about, then?”

“Do you even _care_ , Stark?” It was Maximoff this time, red sparks around her hands, and he was glad he’d insisted on doing this via a call instead of in person. He wasn’t all that convinced she wouldn’t end up having an ‘accident’ due to getting emotional.

“I care about the Earth, and we need to work together to save it from what’s coming. As for all of you - not particularly, if I’m being honest,” he confessed.

“Come on, Tony,” Romanoff cajoled, sounding as convincing as ever. Absently, he wondered if it had ever been real to her. “Mistakes were made on all sides, and we need to discuss that in order to be a team again. You know this, or you wouldn’t be here.” It was impressive how she could smile so _knowingly_ when she didn’t actually know.

He put some effort into not rolling his eyes. As tempted as he was to tell her he was really only there because he didn’t trust them not to act like children if he didn’t at least show up to talk to them, that wasn’t likely to go anywhere productive either.

Instead, he turned to Vision. “You wished to speak to Miss Maximoff, I believe?”

The android gave him a slight smile, nodding. Tony had noticed the way he’d been glancing at Maximoff, as well as the way she’d been throwing glances and hesitant smiles Vision’s way when not glaring at Tony.

“Viz… I missed you,” she told him, softly, when he looked back at her, and Tony could almost _feel_ how much Vision held back the ‘did you?’ that no doubt popped into his mind the same moment it did Tony’s (as well as Rhodey’s - Tony hadn’t missed his slight huff of disbelief).

But Vision was honestly a far better person than Tony was, and didn’t actually say that. Instead, like ripping off a band-aid, he went straight to the heart of the matter. “Why did you attack me like that?”

For a moment she frowned, uncomprehending. Then, a sad look crossed her face. Tony wished he could believe it was regret, but if it was, it wasn’t for what she’d done. “I had to, Viz. I had to help. And you… you wouldn’t let me go, because you wanted to keep me safe. And I couldn’t stay locked up like that. I thought you understood that.”

Silence fell as he mused it over, no one willing to break it. “I suppose… I suppose that I do understand,” he finally spoke, and despite the way Maximoff smiled hopefully, Tony could hear the way his voice seemed more distant. It appeared he’d finally understood what Tony had some time ago - they might regret parts of the outcomes of their actions, but they didn’t feel like they’d been in the wrong, didn’t feel like _they_ were responsible for what had happened.

To some extent, he supposed that was fair. It was how Tony felt as well - there were things he would have changed, things he would have done differently, and there were a few things he did regret doing, but overall he felt like he’d been in the right. They all did.

He just hoped they’d be as willing to accept everything that came along with that, including the increased distance between them, as he was.

“Rhodes, I just…” It was Wilson who spoke up, eyes flitting from Rhodey’s down to his legs and back. “I’m really sorry.”

A wry smile crossed Rhodey’s face. From the look of resigned recognition in his eyes, Tony guessed he’d just come to the same conclusion. When he took a deep breath, Tony could practically see the way bitterness gave way to acceptance.

“Accidents happen, Wilson,” he told the other man almost kindly. “The entire fight never should’ve happened, but my injury specifically… That wasn’t your fault. Not Vision’s, either.” They had discussed as much in their joint therapy sessions, once it had become clear that the android did feel like it had been his fault, as did Tony. It was just one more thing reminding Tony what an amazing person his best friend truly was.

Wilson smiled at Rhodey, and while it was clear he didn’t feel completely absolved yet, he did seem lighter.

“That being said,” Tony spoke up, “I want to apologize to you, Barnes.”

The man in question looked startled, staring at Tony with wide eyes. “You really don’t… I mean…”

“Buck,” Rogers interrupted, looking like he was about to argue, but Barnes shook his head.

“No, I mean it. You don’t have to apologize, Stark. It’s… I don’t blame you for it, not at all. Any of it. You… I’m honestly amazed you didn’t do more, _worse_. You didn’t even go after me first. If anything, I’m sorry.”

And damn it, but he could actually start _liking_ Barnes, which was about the last thing he wanted. That was just _asking_ for another flower, wasn’t it?

“Yeah, it’s… It was a mess, wasn’t it? I lashed out, wanted to _hurt_ you, was lost in my emotions. And I guess you were lost in a bunch of trauma and yet another guy attacking you for stuff you never wanted to do. And while what I did was _understandable_ , it wasn’t _right_. So that’s… I was wrong to do that, and I’m sorry.” Then he sighed, looking straight at a stunned Barnes. “And you… I don’t know if you need to hear it, but - well, actually, from what you said earlier, I guess you do, so - you’re forgiven.”

There was a quiet sense of wonder in Barnes’ eyes as he looked back at Tony, and _shit_ he should not be finding the guy attractive, least of all in a moment like this.

“I… thank you. And… you’re forgiven, too.” Then he smiled, hesitantly, and Tony couldn’t help but smile back even as his stomach dropped just a little. When this whole conversation was over, he’d need to have a talk with Rhodey or his therapist or something, because this was the kind of feeling that led to him making _really_ stupid decisions, like letting Barnes in enough that he could get hurt again.

(He silently cursed that small, fascinated part of him that wondered what kind of flowers Barnes would inspire.)

“Really? Just Bucky?” Rogers spoke up after a few moments of silence, when it became clear that Tony did not intend to continue. He sounded disappointed and he was frowning as he looked at Tony from the screen.

Considering it for a few moments, Tony nodded.

Before they could all start yelling at him about the things he had done to them - and he could see that a few of them were close to doing so - he held up a hand. He would admit to being somewhat astonished that it actually worked. “It is my honest opinion that a lot of things in the entire situation were not handled as they should have been, by various parties - myself included. However, I also can’t say I’m truly sorry to anyone except Barnes, and it would not do anyone much good if I lied about it. I have mentioned before I can work with you, for the sake of the Earth, and to me, that’s the purpose of this talk - make sure we can all work together.”

“How can you just act like none of this matters to you? Like none of it even happened?” Rogers burst out.

By now, the slightest hint of a frown on Romanoff’s face indicated that she suspected something was going on. Except it became clear she wasn’t exactly sure what it was when she spoke up again. “Is that really all you want, Tony? Just to work together? We’re doing this, trying to have this talk, to try to be a _team_ again. Just like we used to be.”

Had he still cared about them, the way he had before, he likely would have reacted. Would have angrily accused them of never having been a team, at least not a good one, not to him. Would have told them _they_ were the ones who’d torn the Avengers apart. Would have asked them, hurt, why they couldn’t have just _trusted_ him. He might even have asked them what they’d even achieved with any of it, because here they were, here Barnes was, and here the Accords still were, except there was a rift between what had been the Avengers now that there might not have been otherwise.

He couldn’t bring himself to wish that he still cared, not really, but he would admit to being slightly disturbed by how much he _didn’t_.

At the core, he was an emotional person. It had often served him ill, especially when he cared too much too easily, but it was a part of him. A part that he’d honestly had to mask often enough, what with the media and all, but it was always _there_. Except now, somewhat forced to interact regularly with people that he’d had his feelings removed for, it seemed distant in a way that was honestly unsettling.

For all of his research, and all of his experience, he’d never quite realized how bad this part could be.

It was that feeling of sadness, of agitation, of regret, more than anything else, that colored his smile. “I can’t.”

“What does that mean?” Perhaps it had been something in Tony’s voice, or perhaps it had been the smile, but Barton sounded almost as confused as he did hostile. There was even a hint of concern, though that was buried well underneath the hostility.

“I developed Hanahaki disease,” he calmly told them, observing their reactions. Shock, mostly, though there was also some confusion, some bewilderment. As with Bruce, he wondered if it was him caring or the betrayal that puzzled them. Probably the first, considering everything that had happened - he didn’t think any of them would be unaware enough not to think that their entire disagreement wouldn’t have been able to count as betrayal. “Multiple flowers at the same time. It had been growing worse for a while, but… I needed to have them removed.”

“What… _Who_?” Rogers sounded disbelieving, and Tony wondered if he didn’t know or if he didn’t want to.

Maximoff sneered. “You’re honestly claiming you cared enough to develop _Hanahaki disease_?” Her disbelief was genuine, and Tony was glad at least he managed a flare of distaste for her, in the middle of all of the _nothingness_ he felt. “Like you’re not the one who betrayed _us_?”

It was tempting to focus on her, on Barnes and Wilson and Lang, because at least then he could feel. But as much as he didn’t like it, that wouldn’t achieve anything in the long run.

So instead, he just shrugged. “Rogers, Romanoff and Barton. Bruce and Thor as well. It just built up until I had to have them removed.”

“Wait, you… you grew _flowers_ for me?” Barton asked, his hostility completely replaced with bewilderment.

“Red hyacinth,” Tony nodded.

“But…” He trailed off, a frown on his face.

Most of the others just looked astonished. The only exceptions were Barnes, who looked more sad than anything else, and Romanoff, whose face was kept carefully blank.

“When…” Rogers didn’t continue with his question, and Tony wasn’t sure what he wanted to know. As he considered whether to answer and, if yes, what, the other man continued. “I didn’t know… That’s… Why didn’t you say?”

“Say what?”

“That you _cared_ that much,” he burst out, and Tony found himself absently amused that Rogers honestly sounded like he blamed him for caring about them, like it was just another thing he’d done all wrong.

Before he could answer, Rhodey scoffed beside him. “Because Tony’s always believed actions speak louder than words,” his best friend told Rogers. “And he gets it wrong sometimes - one could even say often,” - _“If one were a traitor,” Tony muttered_ \- “but when he cares, he shows it. With gift upon ridiculous gift upon far too expensive gift. Which is pretty much obvious to anyone who cares to look.” _‘Who cares, period’_ , he carefully didn’t say, but was fairly obvious he still meant.

Upon realizing what had happened, and having Tony explain all of it - rationally, _honestly_ , because all of his feelings had disappeared - Rhodey had been severely displeased with the others, especially the original Avengers. And unlike Tony, he could still get angry.

Absently, Tony wondered if it would help. He’d agreed to this so the rogues could get all their yelling done so they would be able to move on and work together. There were no illusions about being able to change their minds on whether they’d been right to do what they had, similar to how he knew they would not change his mind, either. He just wanted them to help out, and to stay as far away from him as possible.

In the end, it was that honesty he decided to go for. “Look, it’s… it happened. All of it. We all made choices, and we’re all unlikely to change our minds on whether those were the right ones. They were made, and they resulted in the situation we’re currently in. I didn’t agree to this call to change the situation - I agreed because there is more at stake now, and we need to work together to deal with that. For better or worse, things will never go back to how they were before, so this is what we have to work with. The question is - can you?”

Somehow, his earlier words had unsettled Barton. Because rather than another insult, another dismissive comment, he nodded. “Yeah.” His voice was downcast, and pensive, and he looked miles away.

“Me, too,” Wilson nodded. He didn’t look happy, but Tony didn’t know him well enough to be able to tell exactly what bothered him the most about all of it.

Beside him, Lang nodded, though he looked… Well, somewhere between displeased and indifferent. Which was about what Tony felt about him, too, so that was fine.

Barnes nodded as well, determination clear. “I’ve got no problems with it, however I can help.” He had the dubious advantage of not having been part of ‘before’, which meant that, unlike the others, he was not used to Tony bending over backwards to please them.

Hopefully, with the help of FRIDAY, his friends, and his therapist, he’d be able to get through the work on the arm he was creating for Barnes, as well as its possible installation and maintenance, without falling into yet another unhealthy relationship dynamic. That was, if Barnes accepted the offer of the arm that the Accords Council would be making on Tony’s behalf in a few weeks.

(He wanted to smack himself for kind of hoping Barnes would be the kind of person he’d believed in as a kid - hadn’t he learned his lesson with Rogers??)

As for the others on the other side of the screen, it was obvious they had no idea what to do with the situation. Romanoff, face still very carefully indifferent, seemed to be thinking about how to play this situation in the best possible way.

Most of what she did was playing on feelings, and Tony’s lack of them made her a _lot_ more transparent all of a sudden. He could tell the exact moment she came to a decision. It was a face he’d seen after finding out that she worked for SHIELD, but before she’d moved on to being (or pretending to be) friends - a ‘shit happened, deal with it’ attitude that subtly implied she was above it all and, really, he should be as well. It had frustrated him back then, perhaps even hurt him. Now, he saw it for what it was.

“Of course we can,” she agreed, emphasis very subtly on the ‘we’. “We’ve always been there to protect the world - that’s always been our main priority, after all. We were mostly worried about the fact that you were keeping us at a distance, instead of where we could do the most good, and that’s what we wanted to resolve.”

At their table, Tony could see the way Wilson, Barton and Barnes realized what she was hinting at - and the fact that they were not impressed with it.

By his sides, he could feel the way Rhodey puffed up a little as Vision stilled. Tony just sighed a little. “We need to work together in order to defeat Thanos and his army, but we do not need to live in the same place in order to do that. We have no idea where he’ll even land first - spreading out is actually a tactical advantage in this case.” Then, he decided to practice some of that self-care that his psychologist had tried teaching him about and told them the truth. “Even if not for that, though, I will admit I would prefer not to live in the same place as you.”

“Why? Doesn’t the disease mean you shouldn’t feel anything about them anymore?” Maximoff asked skeptically, like she’d caught him in a lie.

“I don’t know if any of you have ever experienced Hanahaki disease, or its aftereffects,” Tony started, patiently. It wasn’t a question - he didn’t need to know, wasn’t even that curious. “But you are right that I don’t feel anything for them anymore. And that is exactly the reason I wouldn’t want to live in the same place. Because that numbness is… it’s helpful, objectively, but experiencing it for a prolonged amount of time is… unpleasant,” he eventually settled for. It was disturbing, distressing, _terrifying_. He didn’t estimate they’d care to hear that, though. “And unhealthy for all parties.”

Before Romanoff could even look for a new way to come at it in order to make Tony pay their way again, Wilson shook his head. “Considering the disease is a defense mechanism exactly to make sure there is no close contact anymore, you’re right. It’s best for everyone if we keep our distance.”

Romanoff didn’t look incredibly pleased with that, though she tried to cover it up. Rogers didn’t look too happy either, honestly, and Maximoff was never happy when she was looking at Tony, but the rest of them at least seemed to respect as much.

“So does that mean we can count on you to work with us in a professional manner when it comes to the impending invasion?” Rhodey asked, before the three of them could speak up.

With a slight tightness that betrayed her true feelings, Romanoff nodded. Maximoff rolled her eyes, but nodded as well. Tony still didn’t entirely trust either of them, which he felt was justified, but Romanoff would not be able to get to him emotionally anymore, which was where she could be most dangerous, and he’d made some progress on defenses against Maximoff’s powers as well, just in case. Not to mention he had others watching his back now, too.

That left only Rogers, who still looked displeased. It was very clear that this conversation had not been what he wanted or expected from it at all, and he wasn’t exactly sure what to do next.

“I just… I mean, _of course_ I’ll fight to keep the Earth safe - that’s all I’ve ever done. But it just feels like nothing really got resolved at all. We’re still distant, you’re still keeping us out of our home, we’re still not a _team_ again. We can’t just leave it like this.” It almost sounded pleading, except for the righteousness in his voice. He saw something that he disapproved of, and that meant he needed it to _change_.

Tony shrugged off some of the questions he wanted to ask - nothing about the whole split had seemed to be about keeping the world safe, after all, and they hadn’t hesitated to leave their so-called ‘home’ before - since they would not get them anywhere except in another argument that he didn’t have the energy for.

In lieu of the eye roll he knew Rhodey was also suppressing right beside him, he calmly breathed out. “I’m afraid there’s never gonna be the resolution you want,” he plainly told Rogers. He wished he could feel something - pity, anger, sadness… But there was nothing. “Things happened that cannot be reversed. All we can do now is move forward with what we’ve got and all make the best of it that we can.”

Of course, that had never been Rogers’ strong suit. That was what they had the therapists for, though, and hopefully it would be possible to finally help him move on and find a way to feel settled in the 21st century. Mostly for the sake of the rest of the world, because Rogers being unsettled objectively gave Tony the impression of a bull in a china shop.

“It just doesn’t feel _right_ ,” Rogers insisted, and Tony didn’t think he was mistaken about the slight hint of desperation in there.

He understood. To Rogers, it probably felt like he was losing something else, one of the things that had become familiar in this new time. The Avengers had come together not long after he’d been unfrozen, after all, and they’d been some of the first people that Rogers had worked with, had become close to. With the betrayal of part of his Strike Team and SHIELD both, as well as the loss of Peggy just before everything had gone down between all of them… It only made sense that he was feeling more and more adrift.

But he couldn’t care. As much as he tried, all that was left was just empty, rational observation.

 _Knowing_ that, in any other case, with any other person except those very few that he’d developed flowers for, he’d have _felt_ for them… It was nauseating, leaving him feeling utterly estranged from the person he usually was. And despite not being able to feel anything for them, he found himself wanting them _away_ from him, so he’d be able to be himself again.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and they all knew it was utterly empty. He wasn’t sorry - couldn’t be. “There’s nothing to do to change it.”

Hopefully, they would _all_ learn to live with that.

And when the video call ended, Tony took a deep breath and turned to Rhodey and Vision. His best friend spoke up before he could, though. “Are you alright?”

“No,” he found himself honestly admitting. “No, I’m not.” Although they were gone, thoughts of them still ran through his mind, dulling all of his feelings and making him feel as though there was a sort of curtain between him and the rest of the world, distancing him.

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Vision asked, concerned.

Thinking for a moment, Tony soon realized it was very easy. “I need… I need people to be here, and I need a movie night or a game night or something. With people that care, and that I care about. That… That’s what I need.”

“Then that’s what we’re doing,” Rhodey assured him, phone already out.

Moments later, the group chat containing all of the ‘New Avengers’ pinged on the phones of both Tony and Vision. When he looked at the screen, it showed Rhodey’s message.

> **Emergency Group Hug Protocol is a go, everyone! Bring yourself, we’ll provide food and drinks at the Compound!!**

To his relief, the smile on his face felt genuine, as did the warmth in his chest. It calmed a bit of the fear in him that he’d somehow become lost in the emptiness, that he’d never be able to feel again.

Yeah, this Group Hug Protocol sounded _amazing_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for this story! I hope you've enjoyed it, and feel free to come say 'hi' on my [Tumblr](https://eirlyssa.tumblr.com/) as well if you want :)

**Author's Note:**

> Credits for the title of the story, as well as both chapters, go to the song "Painting Flowers" by All Time Low.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it so far! Feel free to come check out my [Tumblr](https://eirlyssa.tumblr.com/).


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